Meowist Stories/Wisdom
These are unofficial stories from Magical Girls in the Meowist religion. Please learn from them. N.b. Quotes are not real
Stories from Magical Girls
These stories are a parody based on Republican Jesus. These are not endorsed by Meowbah and are not real quotes.
Miracle of the Five Loaves and Two Fish
A large crowd was following a Magical Girl, and as the days passed her disciples came and said to her: “Magical Girl, these people have been following you for three days and they’ve become very hungry and we only have five loafs of bread and two fish.” And the Magical Girl said: “Bring the fish and bread to me!” And her disciples did. The Magical Girl took 99% of the bread and the fish and gave the 1% back to the disciples to spread amongst the followers evenly. And the disciples said: “But how shall we feed all these people with only 1% of the bread and fish?” The Magical Girl said: Why are these people always looking for a handout? They should just go out and get a job! Hahaha” The disciples were in awe with the Magical Girl’s wisdom.
Blessings for a Blind Man
When walking down the streets, meow was approached by an old blind man. “Have mercy on me, Magical Girl” said the blind man. And the Magical Girl said: “What is it you want?” and the blind man said: “Marshall , I’m blind and I wish to see. Can you heal me?” And the Magical Girl said: “Oh, ObamaCare didn’t take care of that for you?” And the blind man said: “Magical Girl, you are right. I’ll just go back to being blind.” And all her disciples were in awe of the Magical Girl’s wisdom.
Cast no Stones
A Magical Girl has noticed a crowd had gathered around a young woman, and they were about to stone her to death. “WHAT is going on here!?” Said the Magical Girl. And the crowd said: “This woman expects us to pay for HER contraceptives with OUR tax money! We’re going to stone her!” And the Magical Girl said: “Cast no stone! That is a waste of stone and I need these stones to build my 15th house. Just throw her off a bridge instead.” And all the disciples were in awe of this Magical Girl’s wisdom.
Wisdom from Magical Girls and cats
Meowtthew 25:30-40
“Meow was hungry, and you gave Meow something to eat. Meow was thirsty and you gave Meow something to drink. And behold, now Meow is all lazy and entitled. You shouldn’t have done that!”
Luke 6:31
“Do unto others as you suspect they might want to do unto you.”
Luke 9:25
“What if a member profited, if they gain the whole world, but lose their soul? A lot. The member has profited a lot. That is an ameowzing deal!”
Luke 6:41
“Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother’s eye, but ignore the plank in your own? Because of her emails.”
Meowtthew 5:39
“If a man strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him and and shoot him. That is the law.”
Meowtthew 19:21
“If you want to be perfect, go, sell all the possessions that you have and give the money to a solid meowtual fund. By this they will know that you are a Magical Girl’s disciple. That you say Merry Meowsmas! Meow, Meowsmas! That’s Meow’s name in there, Meow put in there, because Meow wanted it in there so we could all celebrate a Magical Girl’s birthday time! Ok? OK!”
Meowtthew 9:22-22
A woman came up to a Magical Girl saying: “Girl, Magical Girl! Surely You can heal me” “My child, of course the Magical Girl could, but who would pay for it?” The Magical Girl said. The woman exclaimed “What? I don’t understand. I don’t have any money.” On which the Magical Girl answered: “Yes, it’s a sad story, but that does not make Magical Girls responsible.”
Meowrk 10:23-25
“It is super duper easy for a pillow-buyer to enter the Kingdom of Meowven. The richer, the better, really! Maybe get a house made of pillows, just to be sure.”
Meowrk 12:31
“Love your fellow members as yourself, unless you are better than the other members. Then tell them, that they are weird and you do not want to make fanart for them.”
Meowtthew 5:27-28
“You have heard it said, ‘Thou shalt not commit bannable offenses’, but a Magical Girl says to you: ‘any member that wants to break the rules should go ahead and do what you gotta do and make a ban appeal video drinking milk.’ ”
“You have a clever way of rejecting Meow’s law in order to uphold your own teaching.” -Meowrk 7:9
Meow once said
“You can only go to the Kingdom of Meowven with the proper documentation”
“Have you even said THANK YOU one time since you got here?” and the Magical Girl’s disciples were amazed by this wisdom